Thoughts on a Sunday...

I locked myself in my room in hopes of getting a Sunday nap...but instead i've decided I need to write something....my head is too full...my mind is running too fast...i haven't blogged in over 2 weeks! Sleep is impossible when you have a mind-ful:)
So I am going to write. It might not make sense...but I hope it makes me feel better.

I don't know why I have such a hard time sharing my feelings with people. I wish I could. I'd love to call someone up right now and just spill my guts out...but I can't. I can write them, post them, text them, but for some reason I can't tell them. I'm working on it:) Perhaps that is why I hit freak out mode so often, because my brain gets so full and i've kept so many feelings and thoughts inside that eventually I can't hold anymore and I feel like the world is crashing down. My mind finds itself in so many places, thinking and worrying about so many things that I can't focus. It seems I have a million things to do but I can't decided what to do first. Its frustrating really.

This post is an attempt to get some things out so that I can give my brain a break:) I'd love to sleep tonight.

Today in church I wanted so bad to share my testimony...its been a long time since I have been able to...but I couldn't talk myself into it. I don't know why it is so hard for me. I had a million things I wanted to say. A million feelings and impressions. I agreed with everyone who stood up. I felt the comfort and peace of the spirit. I was reminded of things that were true. Maybe I was afraid of getting emotional. Maybe its because I'm a perfectionist and I worry about my words not coming out just right. I don't really know why I never get up...but i didn't. Instead I sat thinking in my chair keeping all my thoughts to myself. Pretty selfish, huh?

I was mostly thinking about relationships, friends, and people. How there is purpose in EVERY SINGLE relationship that we have whether it lasts minutes, months, or years...they all have a purpose. I REALLY believe that! God knows us so perfectly that he knows who to put in our path. I know he loves me because of the people and friends that he has given me.

I love looking back at the people I've loved and realizing their purpose in my life. The things they have taught me. How they have helped me become better. Most of them I don't talk with much anymore. Its like they came into my life for a season and then left...even though they aren't really gone...they kind of are.

Sometimes it hurts when people leave our lives. Even if they aren't really gone. Even if we could call or text them anytime. Sometimes it feels like God is taking people away from us. Like he wants us to feel alone. But I don't think he really does. Sometimes I wonder if its my fault that they feel gone. Sometimes I want to lock myself up and hide from the world so that I don't ever have to feel the hurt of losing people. But that seems selfish. Maybe the hurt is good. Maybe it is making me stronger. Sometimes its hard to leave the past and look to the future. My favorite quote...the quote that fits my life perfectly...is in my head a lot.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us".

I've also been thinking a lot about happiness.
I was thinking about how sometimes we think things will make us happy when really they won't and sometimes we aren't happy when we really should be...

I think that thought came from an experience this past week. I had the opportunity to help a few people this week. I realized in helping these people that I have a lot to be grateful for. I have and can say things that other people cannot. I have a lot that should bring me joy everyday. Instead I let my mind drift too easily to the things I lack, want, or hate about my current situations.

Sometimes it would be great to look into the future. To see exactly what is coming. To see what we need to prepare for. To wipe away some of our worries. Don't you think?

Maybe I just need to learn how to live in the moment and stop trying so hard to prepare for the future. I think preparation is important but sometimes I get so caught up in what I need to do for tomorrow that I forget to live today.

Yesterday was New Years Day. I should have been celebrating, relaxing, or spending time with my family. Instead I was frantically trying to figure out how I was going to survive school next week.

I was thinking about finding a new sub for Tuesday so that I can attend my TAH class...since the one I had planned on backed out.
I was trying to write sub plans.
I was thinking about the class I have to teach after school on Tuesday. I don't like to tell people that I've been asked to teach a 3-day professional development seminar with my team, because then they automatically make the assumption that I am an incredible teacher. I'm worried about what I can share with these teachers who are twice my age. I wonder what I'm going to tell them that will be worth their while. I hate meetings that are pointless.
I've been worried about loving all my students equally. How some are so hard to love. How some are so hard to teach.
I wonder if they feel that I care.
I wonder if my double dose kids are getting the help from me that they need,
I've been worried that I am frantically trying to teach curriculum when really I should be teaching kids.
I've been wondering if i've got my priorities straight.
Maybe I should be less of a work-a-holic and make an effort to be more social.
Maybe I should make more time for the temple and my scripture study.
Maybe I am trying too hard to be a good teacher.
Maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
Maybe I am not listening to the spirit close enough.

Maybe I've been thinking and worrying WAY too much about WAY too many things.